You know, there is one thing about Severus Snape I think people sometimes forget or just miss entirely: he was absolutely lonely. Like, one of the loneliest characters in the whole series.
- First of all, he had no safe space. He was abused at home and then he left to a boarding school, where he thought he could finally be accepted and valued, but then he was abused there too.
- And he was put in a house he used to dream about, just to learn that he had to find a way to mingle with some people who 1) were from rich and powerful families and 2) were pureblood and despised those who weren’t… while he, well, was neither.
- He had a total of one friend who loved him for who he was, without second malicious interests or power struggles. And 1) he lost this friend mostly due to his own doing and 2) she ended up being murdered due to an information he provided.
- Now struggling with unbearable guilt over what happened, he then decides to become a spy and this one decision perpetually screwed any chances he had to ever form a meaningful relationship ever again.
The last point is what really made me write this post. I’ve seen people talk about how everything would have been different to Severus if only he got over Lily. Like if he still became a double agent, but had let go of his feelings for Lily, thus being happier and less of an asshole to his students and just a nicer, probably healthier person overall.
And that makes no sense, not only because the reason he couldn’t get over what happened to Lily was that she had such a unique and fundamental role in his life (as one of the few chances he had of knowing love) that the guilt and grief he felt was too great; but also because his role as a double agent prevented him from forming new connections with other people.
He had to constantly stand in an ambiguous position with both enemies and allies. He had to play enemy to his allies and ally to his enemies, so he couldn’t truly connect with any of them, not fully. He had no chance, not if he was to play his vital role at winning the war. He had no chance of a “normal life”, of making new friends, finding new lovers. The sacrifices he had to make in order to somehow make up for what he saw as his mistakes with Lily were part of what prevented him from ever forgiving himself and starting over.
Dumbledore was basically all he had, maybe the only person who knew where he really stood, who he really was and what were his true motives. And then he had to look him in the eyes and kill him.
This is a really lonely character.
Yep. After spending his entire adult life trying to atone for causing Lily’s death, Dumbledore asks him to… commit murder. The irony and cruelty of the whole situation is almost unbearable. Not to mention what he must have gone through in that final year as Headmaster. Imagine having to look Minerva and the others in the eye, feel their utter disgust and not be able to say a single thing.
And in all likelihood, he probably never expected to survive the war. Which means he would have known, with absolute certainty, that he would never be able to have a real, honest moment with another human being ever again. But he did it all anyway. Everything ever asked of him. And in that final year he did it without support, without allies; entirely alone. Oh, except for the cheery portrait of the friend he killed.
It’s just devastating.
