Bro (talking about a girl he’s interested in): She’s pretty cool. But kinda intimidating. She hates—well she doesn’t hate men but she hates the…man thing.
Me: …penis?
Bro: No. The—the thing. The bad cultural thing. The paternal thing.
Me: Ohhh. The Patriarchy?
Bro: That’s the bitch.
Me: I feel like we should probably not call the patriarchy ‘bitch.’ All things considered.
Bro: You right. See? This is why I’m stressed! What if I say something dumb like that in front of her!? Anyway. We’re going out again on Friday, I just gotta make sure I’m not patriarch-ing. Can you help me pick out what I’m going to wear? Feminists like flannel, right?
He actually doesn’t have the spirit, tbh, it sounds like it’s all performative so he can get his dick wet. Like he couldn’t give less of a shit.
@xollie Yikes. Obviously, I didn’t repeat the entire conversation (or subsequent conversations) we had. Obviously, you don’t know this kid’s full story. He’s young. He’s learning. The fact that he was already differentiating between hating men and hating the patriarchy was a big deal considering the background he comes from. He is genuinely interested in this girl. He does not just “want to get his dick wet” (in fact, I think he may be on the asexual spectrum–we’ve had several conversations about cultural sexual expectations as well).
You’re young too, so I’m going to try and say this as kindly as possible: Please. Do not look at one anecdote (selected for entertainment value!) and decide you know the whole story. More importantly: Please do not make assumptions about people who appear to be putting in effort, even if that effort appears to be minimal (especially if you don’t know the whole story). Please do not deride people who are trying. No one is born with a full intersectional understanding of gender, sexuality, race, disability, etc. We are all works in progress. If people are trying to grow, please, give them a chance to.
He is being performative.
Instead of researching what the patriarchy means, he’s asking you to tell him how he can look like he cares about feminism.
If he truly cares about her and woman’s struggles, he would have done some actual research.
Sure, it is a start that he’s trying to impress a feminist woman. Hanging out with her will likely introduce him to new ideas; however, if he’s not willing to put in actual work to learn the vocabulary and not mix up stereotypes and ideas, he will just be exhausting a woman who does not need to put emotional labor into educating him.
No one needs to pat your brother on the back. So many people learn about these things at a much younger age. In fact, woman are oppressed by our patriarchal society as babies and young girls.
You should hold him to a higher standard. He is 20 years old.
Me: makes a clarifying post asking that people not make snap judgments about a person based on an anecdote I chose for comedic value.
You: does…exactly that.
I literally have a Ph.D. in feminist/queer theory and gender studies. You don’t need to explain performativity or oppression to me.
This kid is not my brother. If he was, I would be holding him to a higher standard because he would have had years of education about this.
This kid did not. He spent 19 years in what I’d call a maliciously conservative Christian bubble (from his jokes and stories, an extremely racist, sexist, homophobic, and likely abusive environment) and it wasn’t until leaving for college (4 months ago!) that he was able to start figuring out who he is as a person separate from his family’s damaging influence.
He is trying to educate himself. Not just about gender but race and disability and religion. He’s reading books and watching youtube channels and asking a lot of (sometimes problematic! sometimes performative!) questions of people who are willing to answer them (mostly me and my friends at the climbing gym where he hangs out after class every day). He talks to us so he doesn’t bother his new friends his age with his questions. He started using the free counseling service on campus (so he’s not, you know, expecting free emotional labor from friends/girlfriends). He’s joined the gay/straight alliance. He’s attended various talks and events held by special interest groups on campus. I don’t think I’ve ever seen one of my own undergraduate students with such a genuine interest in learning about other people’s worldviews and lived experiences or one who has changed this much in such a short period of time.
It’s pretty audacious that you think you know more about this person and the standard he should be held to, after seeing one (funny! Jesus. I chose that part of the conversation because it was funny) tiny piece of the interaction I’ve had with this individual than I do. Someone who has spent several hours a week talking to him for several months. Watching him change drastically over that period.
Four months. His education started four months ago.
I’m holding him to a standard he has a chance of meeting.
Op is the only bitch in this thread I respect
Those replies were not shocking but dissapointing to read.
Tumblr is not the place to grow or learn about progressive topics. It’s too polarizing.
If people are trying to grow, please, give them a chance to.
“Asking a trusted expert on the topic” is doing research. Have you gone on Youtube lately and tried to search something basic like “What is the patriarchy?” There’s a ton of trash out there! Sometimes it’s actually better to ask someone you know and trust than dive face-first into Google results.
YES THIS.
The internet isn’t a curated collection where you can be sure that the person you just sneered “educate yourself” at will be able to find the knowledge they need at a level they’re currently equipped to understand and without getting toxic shit along with it.
It doesn’t even have to be incel alt-right type toxic shit. I’m personally not delighted with the idea of young people who’re just starting to take an interest in feminism learning more about the topic from the kind of “I’m totally not a TERF but I’m constantly burping up their cold takes” people you find here on tumblr.
“I don’t have to educate you” rethoric sounds great in theory but if you actually give a fuck about things getting better in practice? Just answer people’s well-intentioned questions.
Haven’t you heard? If you don’t come out of the womb fully woke then you’re the enemy and should be shunned.
